i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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