When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
