I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have aggressive nipples.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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