someone threw a dead crab at me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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