I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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