How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
