good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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