Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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