the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize