I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
