I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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