I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
