I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
