I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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