The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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