I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we're making bets on your personal life
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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