One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
