you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
