I'm gonna have a badass scar
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
