just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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