i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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