rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
