Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
