I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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