Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
