even my farts smell like vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just pee around me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
