we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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