i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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