i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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