I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
