i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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