I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
