If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
