The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Still dying that you shit outside
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Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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