yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
