If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
