then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
