Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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