last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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