but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
