My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
