i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
