Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
