does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
