Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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