its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
