so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
