I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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