tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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