fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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