I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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