Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
