I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
