God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
