If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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