Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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