I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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