quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
